holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Good morning
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.