just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The future is now.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
This is always good for a laugh.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child