it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Dolls on drugs
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along