Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’m giving up for Lent.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The honesty is refreshing
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.