Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm