This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
it’s finally my moment to shine
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.