toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I have so many questions.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.