*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest