I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Best spot.. 😅
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what