Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
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Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
operators are standing by to ignore your call
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Duolingo getting serious.