netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason