I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
You Might Also Like
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”