i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
You Might Also Like
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.