“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The Sun
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.