I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
The Joker was right
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.