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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Mmmm canned fish.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine