Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.