Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.