Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.