I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
love it when they get my name right
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
tourist season
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?