Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Van Gone
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me