Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?