[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.