Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Oh hi lol
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad