[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
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TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)