The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I just tested negative for patience.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day