I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You Might Also Like
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”