Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”