Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit