Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I need to update my racial profile.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin