>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?