I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
B
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything