I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
A family that plays together cheats.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together