Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!