Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*