flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
New favorite tiktok
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.