Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.