Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
wtf management?!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*seductively corrects your posture*