“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.