Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I get distracted pretty eas
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.