doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”