Wasps: bees, but not helping
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!