I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was madeâŚ
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, thatâs too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Had to try this trend đ
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
If our bodies are the result of âintelligent design,â explain sneezes.
Iâll wait.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think âalright, letâs put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.â
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Donât get angry…
…get pizza.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell đđđ
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You canât have both.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.