when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
You Might Also Like
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
reviewed some movies recently
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY