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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I know this now 😂
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.