True dat! ππππ
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
time for some seasonal decor
i spent way too long on this
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[first date]
Her: I want a man whoβs not afraid to say whatβs on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I hate spitting so much. In βTitanicβ when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which werenβt. βSure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremyβ
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Itβs fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views