This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?