I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
You Might Also Like
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader