Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…