*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big